I'm teaching more days so that hasn't helped me remember which day is what. And I still don't know what "my schedule" is.
This calendar was a little gift from a student around Christmas. If you look closely at the cow, the word FAITH is printed underneath him.
I pretty much lost my faith last week and was in a deep dark hole for a couple of days. I couldn't stop sobbing one day. Of course, the anxiety and fear around the pandemic- the not knowing is difficult for everyone.
For those of you who this past month had been a "break" you should be very grateful. For those of you who have a job, be grateful. For those of you with health insurance, be grateful.
For my family, it's not been such a break. I've been hustling to get classes on the online schedule and to make the process as smooth as possible.
My husband doesn't have a job now and hasn't for 6 weeks and that's been stressful. 2/3 of my business is on hold because of the pandemic. I went to schools and did some amazing one on one hands on work with people in pain or for people who just wanted to stay healthy.
I really miss that work- I guess I can be grateful that now I know this is certainly true for me.
When my husband’s job ended so did our health insurance. In a time when you need health insurance, there is no way in my mind how we can go without. So, I struggled.
I struggled with the idea of not having enough money to pay my bills, I struggled with the fact that health insurance is really really expensive. For a family of 4 it's going to be pretty much a second mortgage payment.
So many questions! You might have your own version.
How long will my husband be out of work? Will my business survive this? Should I go back and get a full time Physical Therapy Job for the benefits? Will we have enough in our savings? Will I get the unemployment compensation? Will I have to dip into my retirement accounts? How long will we need to be at home? When will more answers come about this virus? ect. ect. ect.
Ugg! So many questions. AND NO ANSWERS.
I cried and I was angry and I wanted to scream about the system being broken. About my bad luck, about the state of the world. I needed to be miserable. At least for a few days. To feel the misery all the way down to the core of my being.
Then I accepted. I cannot change any of this. I am healthy right now and so is my family. I do have an emergency fund and money in retirement funds that we can use when and if we need it. I can go back and work in a hospital or nursing home or outpatient center when and if I need to.
I NEVER WANT TO FORGET HOW THIS FEELS!!!
I don't want to forget the misery and if you get there too, I can sit by you and be there as you experience it and give you strength to be in it. FULLY.
Because when this is over, there needs to be changes.
Change in our healthcare system
Change in how insurance works
Changes so people can have living wages
Changes in how we do things
Changes so people have housing they can afford
Changes to care about the environment
Changes that keep us connected and feeling on a deeper level
AND IT WILL ONLY CHANGE IF WE ALL REMEMBER WHAT WE ARE FEELING RIGHT NOW.
So feel those feelings, my friends, and know you and no one else knows the answers yet. And when you get through the other side, I hope we all can see things in a new light, a new way, find perspective.
I hope we all do.